Destruction

I have been avoiding making this post for a month. The truth is when I said that I would post on the five themes I knew there was only one thing I could discuss under Destruction and eh, it is hard.

My Dad has cancer and I am afraid he is slowly dying.

Ok, that is that out in the open, so let’s delve a little deeper. I have this Hindu/Buddhist journey thing going on. My dad is an athiest. He says he believed in God when I was born but I think it had worn off by the time I had started school. So he faces death as the ultimate, no bullshit end. That’s it, it has been wonderful, drive safely, lights off, goodnight. I wish I were a proper Christian so I could say “no not that, this” (heaven etc.). Because although my dad could be a bit of a shit and in his day was a lot of a womaniser – he is a wonderful human being and would be the kind of guy God would love to have on his team. But I am the mess of faith and so I find myself believing something, but what? I have no idea. Suddenly my search for an answer has become more pressing, because my dad is on the edge of the abyss.

Aside from the desire to give my dad a convincing alternative to his spiritual nihilism I need the comfort myself. Wolf talks to his dead. I’m not sure when, or how often. But he communes… and sometimes (at least from the expressions on the cats faces I think this is the case) they drop by for a visit.

I guess this is why Faith is called Faith and not Knowing.

Incidentally, dad isn’t cashing in his chips yet. He is ready to fight and the weapon of choice is chemotherapy. Here I recognise Shiva’s dance – destroy to create. Just wish I could touch his hair one more time before the destruction starts.

Dance, then…

Dance, then, wherever you may be,
I am the Lord of the Dance, said he,
And I’ll lead you all, wherever you may be,
And I’ll lead you all in the Dance, said he.

What better way to resurrect the dead than with the other man in my life, besides Wolf (and I have my suspicions about those two, but that can wait)? Lord Shiva – Nataraj, my cosmic dancer. He has been in my life overtly for about 10 years, but I think he may have been lurking in other forms before that. When I am lost and I remember to ask for help he usually appears to point the way.  And again feeling the need for this place I look for an opening and he provides it with his dance of bliss:

This cosmic dance of Shiva is called ‘Anandatandava,’ meaning the Dance of Bliss, and symbolizes the cosmic cycles of creation and destruction, as well as the daily rhythm of birth and death. The dance is a pictorial allegory of the five principle manifestations of eternal energy — creation, destruction, preservation, salvation, and illusion.

So welcome me back, dancing.

 

Now

I have a wonderful life and yet I want more.  When you have so much it is hard to express what more is.  I want a Buddhist more or Hindu more.   I want more via less.  Strip down and reduce.  I want mystical Zen.  I want to appreciate the moment and live fully in the place that Wolf calls “now”.

Now. 

NOW!

The thing is you can’t think yourself into that place.  You have to sit there and… nothink.  Empty.  As with meditation, you can’t try too hard.  It is so easy to fall into the abyss of more when striving for less. 

…

I am meditating.

I am a spiritual person. 

Meditating. 

Me Di Tate

(pretty cool)

Hey, I might become enlightened. 

(I wonder if people will notice)

I will strive and eventually I will prevail. 

I will understand. 

I might even become a Master.

(walk before you can run)

I am meditating. 

I’ll write a book.

(with a cool cover)

Wear guru clothes and sit cross legged for days.

(do people pee themselves when they do that?)

You will just have to sit in my presence to know how enlightened I am.

(because of course you can’t brag about it)

I will be great.

(think positive)

I am great. 

I will be God.

(think positive)

I am God. 

…

Eh, I am lost.   Noisy little ego.  Shush now.

 Where was I?  Ah yeah, I want more – for less.